A Prayer of Thankfulness in the Midst of Pain

Prayer of Thankfulness in the Midst of Pain

Thank you for showing me what a perfect marriage is and what a perfect companion can be like through all these years that we have had. You have given us twenty-five wonderful years of treasured memories too precious and far too many to enumerate. I can only think of the beautiful relationship that we've had.

Thank you for the added years so that our children's memory of their mother would neither be a faint nor fleeting one. Instead, they now hold memories that are anchored in fond and endearing moments of tenderness and love spent with her in their growing years. They have grown in their walk with you through the tough times we shared.

Thank you for reminding me each time when I give my children a hug, that you are also holding me tight in your arms and never letting me go even when my own faith was frail and weak. I just needed to hear your reassuring words that you are still with me through rest of this journey.

Thank you for allowing Kathryn's life to impact others who needed to see the Christ that we often talked about. You have showed us through her life that it is not the eloquence of our words that best carry your message but the substance of an unassuming and caring life that will connect with and touch the hearts of those who really need you.

Thank you for showing me a glimpse of Gethsamane and what it cost You when You too wrestled to say, 'Not my will but thine be done'. Often times surrender means a heart that is torn, questions that remain unanswered, emotions that are frayed, but it is always matched with your unending measure of grace.

Thank you for being big enough to take the blows from my hands when they pounded on heaven's doors in cries of desperation from an anguished soul. You have allowed me to ask questions, to doubt, to shout aloud, yet you are patient enough to hear me out. Your silence was a silence of mercy and not of anger.

Thank you for carrying me upon your shoulders when my own legs were too feeble to carry me. The three sets of footprints in the sand that became two and now one speaks to me of your loving care as a gentle Shepherd.

Thank you for clasping my faltering hand in yours and guiding me when I cannot see beyond the blind corner ahead of me. With my own vision blurred with tears, I needed the touch of a familiar hand to lead me on.

Thank you for seeing the silent tears that were shed in solitary moments - tears that can only be wiped away completely when we see You face to face and are reunited with the ones that we dearly love.

Thank you for the strength to say, 'Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me' despite the storms that rage within me. This is only what I can offer at this moment - only the sacrifice of praise that comes from this broken spirit.





MT
31 December 2010

(a Prayer shared at the Watchnight Service at Glad Tidings Assembly Klang)

You Needn't Have To Go

You Needn't Have To Go

You needn't have to go
And leave us all alone
This place was meant for you
This here our humble home

You could have stayed
Just a little longer
Our greatest adversities,
We were meant to conquer.

I would've done more for you
If what I've done is not enough
We were meant to win this battle
We were made of sterner stuff

Heaven calls, you say
But can heaven not wait?
You were not meant to go
There's so much of life ahead

'But I've run my course', you say
I've finished the race
There's nothing more to do
But to sing, 'Amazing grace'

We're not ready to part
So why must we say goodbye?
Why do you have to go? I asked,
I waited, but there was no reply

We were meant to share
Our days in its golden years
Twilight is still so far away
But now there's only unending tears

You left just too early
O why must it be so?
You're much wanted here
You needn't have to go


MT
2 September 2010

(Poem shared at the Watchnight Service at Glad Tidings Assembly, Klang)

Footprints in 2010

Footprints in 2010
I was working on my computer a few days ago and a newsfeed flashed in front of me that caught my attention. ‘Celebrity Deaths in 2010’. As I scrolled down the list, the names of hundreds of well-known personalities and celebrities that had passed away in 2010 came into view.

As I reflected over this year 2010, there were two other persons who passed away who were not in that list, two persons who were close to us. They may not have been celebrities by the world’s standards, but nevertheless in heaven’s eyes they are now listed among those in the hall of faith.

One of them was my brother-in-law who passed away in November this year. He was a lay leader in the Klang Methodist Church and had served faithfully for many years. He had played a very big role in the life of that church impacting the lives of many and was instrumental in some of the church’s outreach posts. When he died, hundreds came to pay their respects at the wake services held at their home and in the church.

The other person was someone I spoke about 9 years ago, at a watchnight service like this. I talked about severe challenges that I was going through. Then my wife, Kathryn was diagnosed with breast cancer and from then began a long fight against the disease. Kathryn just passed away in May this year.

It has been a rich and fulfilling period even as we battled to overcome the condition that afflicted her. Throughout this time, God has brought many people our way to support us and pray with us. Our special thanks to our Subang Cell members with whom we have shared many times of fun and laughter and learning to grow together. They have been together with us together with a few other close friends supporting us through the times Kathryn was ill especially throughout the whole of this year and even during her last days in the hospital taking turns to care and pray for her. They have made our burden lighter by sharing it.

During the last nine years, God has also brought us to many people that we could reach out to and touch in our small way. These were people that needed a comforting hand as they themselves walk their journey of faith through an illness that they had. We have learnt a lot through just sharing and talking to them.

It has not been an easy 8 months since Kathryn left us. She has been more than a wife to me and a mother to our children. She was our dearest friend. She has been our faithful counsel, the voice of wisdom and the one that made our house a home.

I struggled to prepare what to share tonight at this Watchnight service.

I thought it might be appropriate to share what I want to say in poem and a prayer that I put together. I have been sharing some of my thoughts in my blog and these two are part of them. The poem describes some of my thoughts on Kathryn’s leaving us.


You Needn't Have To Go

2 September 2010

(click here to see posting on poem)

The last few months have not been an easy time. I was thinking of what we can give thanks to God for in the midst of such difficult circumstances. I began to write a prayer to of thanksgiving to God which I want to read out to you. It is entitled,

A Prayer of Thankfulness in the Midst of Pain

(click here to see posting on prayer)

For my children and me, the journey is still continuing and there will be ups and downs but the Lord has promised to be with us.

Last night I was with two of my children, Pam and Darren at the airport to bid goodbye to one of Pam's best friends who was leaving for New Zealand. Pam and her friend were in tears as they bid each other goodbye. It is difficult to say goodbye to someone when you do not know when is the next time you will see them again. Or if that 'next time' may be a long while.

MT
31 December 2010

(Thoughts that I shared at the Watchnight Service at Glad Tidings, Klang)

Where is God?

I was reading the book "Where is God when it hurts?" by Philip Yancey last Tuesday morning during the few days that I managed to get away with away with the kids.

"Meanwhile where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, if you turn to Him with praise, you will be welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of
bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that silence. You might as well turn away. " a quote from C S Lewis.

This is probably an apt description of how we feel where answers are most elusive when we need them most. Inspirations and revelations mostly come spontaneously and randomly when we least expect them and not when we earnestly seek them. How many times do we actually get the answers we wanted even after a time of fasting and prayer? I have many times come away from such times no wiser or closer to the answers or decisions than when we first started out. Maybe it's the distractions of the places that we go away to supposedly for some time of quiet or reflection.

Right now we seek answers to the question of pain that we and other people like ourselves experience. Will there be any answers? When will the answers be forthcoming? Maybe it still has something to do with this thing called faith, again. The catch all phrase that we use to conveniently explain away those things that we don't have answers to. Do we really pursue further?

Yancey quotes another line from CS Lewis after his own wife had died of bone cancer: "You never know how much you believe about anything until it's truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you".

Yancey quotes another novelist, Peter DeVries as saying the problem of pain is like "the question mark turned like a fishhook in the human heart".

For me the pain is something like a two edged dagger stuck in the heart - you're deeply wounded: to leave it there is painful and to pull it out is just as painful. I guess it is something we have to live with for the rest of our lives.

MT

21 December 2010

I will Never Let Go of Your Love

I will never let go of Your love,
Your mighty love,
I will never forget all the praise,
You're worthy of
You'll never leave me
And You'll never walk away
I will never let go of Your love


Terry Macalmon


Though we may be apart
You will always remain in my heart
Merry Christmas
My Dearest

MT 25 December 2010

(This was a song that was one of Kathryn's favourite songs in recent times. It was played during her final days in hospital. It was a song that kept her and gave her much needed strength)

The Writer

The Writer

Like the pen of a prolific writer
Flowing with words that describe the story
Likewise the heart of one broken
Flowing with tears that describe the loss

The loss that is beyond measure
The flight of someone so dear
O Heaven would pause to wonder
Why must this be so?

Like the brush of a skilful artist
Painting images across a wide open canvas,
Likewise the feelings of one distraught
Painted across the canvas of his heart

His heart torn beyond measure
Bidding farewell to someone so dear,
O Heaven would pause to wonder
Why must this be so?

Like the music of an accomplished maestro
Taking in stride the highs and lows
Likewise the emotions of one grieving
Coping with the tide and ebb of life

Of life so fragile and tender
The life of someone he calls dear
O heaven would pause to wonder
Why must this be so?

Like the wheel of an expert potter
Creating the shape of things to be
Likewise the hopes of one praying
Creating a better person with each turn of day

Of days so fleeting, we wonder
Only memories remain of someone dear
O heaven would pause to ponder
This is why it's so.

MT
14 December 2010

Of Belly Dancers

Looking through the birthday cards sent by some of the Assuntarians for Kathryn’s birthday last year brought back many memories of what it was last year. Kathryn was starting to feel physically challenged as her condition worsened after our daughter, Melissa’s graduation in September. However, the group of Assuntarians were kind enough to organize an all-girls only ‘belly dancing party’ in November to celebrate her birthday and brighten up her spirits.

This was a party not for the ‘faint-hearted’ and my two girls sportingly joined in while accompanying their mother. They were in for a culture shock of grown-ups having fun in non-conventional setting. I am told that they engaged a professional belly-dancer group to coach them some basic steps for the event. However, the group of Assuntarians were not so ‘gung-ho’ in their dressing but simply wore long ‘flowy’ dresses for the dance.

My two girls and Kathryn came back from the party with faces beaming. You could tell they had a whale of a time and had thoroughly enjoyed themselves from the way they related the happenings in the party. Thanks, Assuntarians.

The Assuntarians also came around to visit on many occasions. I remember during the last week in the hospital, two of them, Phaik Leng and Kuldip had come by to cheer Kathryn up. They promised to bring her a butter cake or some sort the following week. I could see a wide smile on Kathryn’s face as she nodded her head in appreciation. She was looking forward to the following week’s visit and the cake. Thanks, you girls were really supportive with your ever engaging humour and encouraging light hearted banter in such a situation.

A Farewell

Today we bid farewell to Kok Meng's mum. (Kok Meng and Jenny are members of our Subang Jaya cell). At her funeral service today, I read out a poem that I had selected for the service which was taken from a poem delivered at the funeral service of the Queen Mother, mother to Queen Elizabeth who passed away sometime ago. It carried a lot of meaning that I thought it might be good to share it. The poem went like this:


SHE'S GONE
"You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all she's left

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
Or you can be full of the love you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember her and only that she's gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she'd wanted: smile, open your eyes, love and go on. "

I suppose this poem is just as relevant to any one of us who may have lost someone that is close and dear to us. As difficult as it is, we just need to find the strength to move on even though a little at a time because this is what those whom we love and miss would have wanted us to do.

Pearl Harbour

I saw two movies tonight : one was Pearl Harbour which was first released several years ago. This was a love story set against the backdrop of the Second World War where a navy pilot fell in love with and later married his best friend's girlfriend after the friend was reportedly killed in a combat mission. Later the friend turns up alive and the whole story evolves around the moving relationship between the three main characters in the story. In the final combat mission, the one who married the girl is killed and the girl is reunited back with her first love.

These days scenes where someone dies in the story hits much more closer to home as I remember how Kathryn left us. My mind is taken back to the final moments just before she died. Holding her and just being there with her and for her is something precious that is etched in our hearts and minds forever.

The second was a movie entitled The Time Traveler's Wife where a man who was one of the main characters in the story was able to travel in time from the past or the future to moments in his past or future where he could see fleeting scenes of his life and afterwards disappears once again into time. Towards the end of the story, he sees himself in a future scene where he dies in a shooting accident. The man finally dies and after his death he reappears back to his wife and young daughter where they were happily reunited even for a brief moment before he once again fades away into time.

The reality is that we can't travel through time but sometimes I wonder how nice it would be if we could. Could we travel back and change parts of past events? Could we travel through this divide called time and just be able to catch a glimpse of our loved ones even for a moment in time? Just holding them and loving them? I know we must begin somehow to live in the present and not in the past. That, is the challenging part.



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